Friday, October 31, 2008

A Journey of Laughter

We had a pre-Halloween/celebrate P/T Conference night out. I have not laughed so much in a long time. The stories were funny, the company was light hearted, and it was easy to put aside any worries or cares for a few hours.

One of the things I enjoy about the company of our south of the border friends is their unique way of viewing the world and people. It makes me laugh because they are sooooo...right. There are many that do not understand or misinterpret our friendship ....but I enjoy their company.....plain and simple. And I believe that they enjoy mine...nothing weird, strange, and no ulterior motives...just fun, friendship and laughter.

There is something to be said about a friendship where you carefully weigh the things you are going to try to convey...the language barrier can actually make the exchanges more personal and meaningful because you do not waste time and energy trying to converse about the weather...but laughter is something that is the same in ANY language...

Tonight they are celebrating Halloween with a costume party...but I am celebrating by getting to bed at a good time!!! I simply can not stay out late two nights in a row....but they have promised me pictures and I can hardly wait to see what they have come up with. Perhaps I will be able to share a few pics here at a later date!!

So hopefully everyone is having an awesome Halloween....I am sleepy...and will be having a nice nights sleep.....YAWN....until we meet on this journey again...take care...and laugh...for it is a wonderful part of life's journey!!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

My Spiritual Journey

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my spiritual journey through life. My beliefs, my hopes, my faith....and how they play out in everyday life. I have also been making a conscious effort to let those beliefs unfold in certain events. And in my writings. Things I care deeply about....like kindness to others, acceptance, looking beyond the surface and seeing the "real" person...while those may not seem "spiritual" to some...there is a deep connection ...an almost electrical charged feeling that occurs as a direct result of such searching. And as a result...a deeper more power sense of self and purpose that surfaces for me.

It's easy in today's world to lose a sense of direction. To become overwhelmed with all the "need" in the world. All the things that we can do NOTHING about. Put those aside. I have. Concentrate instead on the little kindnesses that we can do...the connections we can make....the understanding and acceptance of others that we can develop. I am not naive....I know there are people that will take advantage of such things....so some caution must be displayed in our choices...but once again that is the time to listen to our inner self...our intuition...let it lead us.

For Jesus said..."what so ever you do for the least of these....you do for me." I know that everyone has different religious beliefs...I try to understand and accept that but in doing so...I hope others accept my strong belief in my God...and that when speaking whether you agree with my beliefs or not...you know that I speak from the heart....from a deep level of love and acceptance of humankind. For in the end...things that bring out the BEST in us...are spiritual...things that create hope, love, joy, faith, acceptance, and respect for others...are spiritual regardless of the terms or words we use to describe it.

Each and every day I am striving to create a kinder gentler world...through my words and actions. Not really anything big...smiling at others, giving a kind word, being a "nice" person, showing caring in small ways. At times this evokes a bit of a "why are you doing that" response...people (sigh) are suspicious of kindess....too many people out for their own gain...but every small gesture changes the course of the hour...of the day...of the week...of the lives of myself and others.

May you touch someone's heart today and may they touch yours...in sudden small but powerful ways! Each small event changes the course of today's world...and it creates a feeling of warmth and joy that will mutiple. May you be a contruction worker...building a kinder gentler world...for ourselves. our children, and our grandchildren. Until I embark on this blogging journey again...take care and be blessed with the kindness of living life fully.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Christmas is Coming

Christmas is coming. Faster than I thought possible. Today I worked on my Christmas Notebook and started finalizing my lists...yikes there's still lots to do.

I have been looking at adding a new nativity set this year. I have several but most are novelty sets...like a snowman nativity set and a Boyds Bears one....and even though I love them...I wanted a nativity set with a bit more realism to it...I have a couple smallish ones that fit the bill but not a main one...I looked at several from Italy and a couple generic ones from the USA....there was a nice Native American one also. But then this one from Mexico caught my eye on Ebay. I like the size...the main figures are about four and a half inches tall....so managable without being tiny...the painted details add a whimsical touch to the set...and so it is MINE....but it won't arrive for a couple of weeks!

Another addition this year is a Advent wreath candle holder....it has the tiny purple and pink candles with a place in the center for the white candle representing Christmas Day....I ordered it several months ago and have it stashed away just waiting for the holiday season to arrive. It is pewter and has a verse engraved along the base.

As I have mentioned before I am downsizing on the holiday decor this year...and so not many new items will be added. These are the main two items that will be new and then I will be VERY selective in what I unpack from the dozens of holiday boxes I have accumulated over the years. I followed this simplified approach with the fall decor and what I have out is lovely without being overwhelming...I like it!

This year I am approaching Christmas with a heart full of faith, joy, and hope....and isn't that what the whole season is about. While I am cutting back on the gift lists and decor items...I'm trying to appreciate the true meaning of Christmas...the love, peace, and hope that the birth of Christ evoked. I am thinking about the Christmas Story more and more. I wrote once before that I wonder if I could have been the shepards....leaving their fields to find the new born Christ Child...following a star with wonder and uncertainty. Traveling on a journey based on faith. Or what about the Wisemen...leaving the comfort of their homelands to travel across unknown lands to bear gifts for the Baby Jesus. I hope that I could have been as adventurous...that faith and trust would have carried me on the journey of a lifetime....can you just imagine if they had missed out on the very event that shaped the future of mankind...because of self doubt or fear of the unknown.

So as we quickly move into November.... celebrate with me here at Ginger's Journey...for the greatest journey of all...is the journey to Christmas...

Monday, October 27, 2008

Becoming

Have you ever wonder how we become "who we are?" What events, which people, what inner reflections form the foundation of self? I'm not sure our "basic inner self" changes much over time...but the way we express that self can and does change. I think these expressions of self evolve over time and differ with different stages of life.

Sometimes we "hold ourselves back" and do not let live the life we were meant to live for fear of disappointment, embarrassment, or some other self imposed "rules". Oh surely there are choices we make that later we cringe over....BUT there are also missed opportunities that we sigh over. I would rather cringe a few times than to feel the empty feeling of having missed an opportunity....for time passes, moments slip past, and we will never be this way again. The seconds, minutes, hours that we miss out on...because of our lack of self confidence, or fear, or indecision...or whatever....can NEVER be reclaimed.

Another avenue of "becoming"....is leaving doors open....sometimes we are troubled or feel the need to make a decision about a certain aspect of life...we feel a great urgency to make a choice and then stick by it (because in doing so we alleviate the uncertainty...as it is "done"....over with and no need to ponder anymore)...when instead....maybe the best course of choice would be to let it "be"...don't make a choice at all...leave the door open and see exactly what happens. Let life HAPPEN...rather than using all that energy on trying to MANAGE life. This is probably the hardest of all life's lessons...that sometimes we do not have to make a choice...we can just let it be...what it is...and see what happens. Otherwise we are closing the door on all kinds of possibilities. Things evolve and change over time BUT if the door is already shut and locked....sometimes it's hard to even notice the changes... let alone act on them!

Becoming....takes a guiding force...and that force is your inner voice...your spirit...your intuition....BUT you make sure that you are really listening and feeling that inner slef and it is not clouded with self doubt, negative thoughts, other such stuff. The voice is there...it is clear...it knows the way...the journey's path. LISTEN....do not be afraid...do not judge...do not say...BUT.

We all stumble from the path and get lost in the brambles of life. But I am getting better at listening to my instincts. There are two main ways of knowing that you have taken a turn that is not on the path....first the inner voice speaks clearly...with doubt...almost pleading for you to change course...you may not hear the voice....if you are stubborn and think "you know best"...do not THINK you know best....for the inner self is not about THINKING....instead it is about FEELING....

The second guiding force is FEELING...ever make a decision and then not "feel" right about it? Oh I don't mean anaylze it to death...I mean it just doesn't feel right. Even if your decision is well thought out...appears to be what you want...takes into account all the sides of the situation, seems logical and practical... etc....BUT once made.... it just doesn't feel right....those are the times to pause...those are the times to just let life BE.....don't make a decision. I mean most things in life are not things where we have to make a decision...we just do so....to get away from having to think about it any more.

Feelings are powerful indicators of life and we sometimes fail to listen to them. If someone makes us laugh or feel good...we do not think it is because that person is someone we connect with...we seek other explanations....we try to downplay the importance of the human connections in our lives...we try to assign other meanings and emotions to the relationship...why can't it just BE what it is and why can't it just unfold over time...why must we MANAGE it...or even UNDERSTAND it for that matter. Leave it alone...let it grow like a tiny seed...if it is meant to be ...it will flourish...unless we kill it with self doubt and anxiety.

And the opposite is of course true....my first reads and first "gut feelings" about a person are almost always right....sometimes it is only over the course of time that they play out...and I come to realize that the uneasiness or distrust was justified. So since I try not to judge people I have had to use the "let it be" stance on this one a lot. When encountering such people...I am cautious, I wait and see...and over time...about 99% of the time...actions, events, words, etc....reinforce my feeling and I can make a decision about the role if any the person will play in my life.

So take care and I will see you again along the journey's path until then remember sometimes it is best to let life HAPPEN rather than MANAGE it.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

The Stories I Collect

The stories I collect have no rhyme or reason...outside of some soul touching connection that they create inside of me. For the stories I love are varied...and some are worn old with time but each retelling or rethinking (which ever may be) enriches the story and buries it deeper into my heart. Honestly many would not evoke the same response in you that they do in me...because stories are personal...the ones I collect may have meaning only to me...because of a feeling, a connection with some aspect of my life, or just because of my unique way of viewing life.

I will tell you that there are some stories that are of sadness and loss. They are still there buried inside but they are not often honored with a retelling because in my mind those are the kind of stories that are best left to float away on the winds of time. They are stories that bruise the spirit and trouble the mind and while they never quite disappear...it is best that they are only ghosts of the past and they flicker softly now and again.

The stories I collect lift the spirit, explain a tiny sliver of human nature, touch my heart, enrich my understanding of life, or deepen my connections with others...those are the stories I love...the stories I collect, the stories I cherish...because as time passes and events change....the stories remain. The stories are things that do not change...they are a constant reminder of the life that I have lived...or the mere fact that I have lived at all. For the stories are powerful reminders that I have passed this way and in doing so...may have touched the lives of others and even more importantly that they have touched my life...in ways that most will never know. For it is hard to explain to someone that their words, life experiences, friendship, conversations etc have so enriched and nourished ones soul.

I will write more about my stories...along the way...some you have already heard...like the haunted farm, the kindness, the friendships and parties, my deep emotions......in doing so I share part of me...with you...so I will write more stories...but more importantly...I will write more about why I am a collector of stories and how that enriches my life and makes me who I am. In doing so maybe I will encourage you to become an avid collector of stories and to understand the richness doing so creates in your life and spirit.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Stories I Love

I was talking to a young friend the other day and he was amazed at how much information I had about other people, life's events, and daily occurances. Honestly I don't try very hard to get it....it just seems to come to me...people tell me things...no need to question or prod...they just do. They do it because I am interested. AND I listen...not just on the surface but below the surface too...what their words mean and what their heart is saying.

He stated that he knew very little about the goings on at school and in the community because he didn't want to get involved as he might "get in trouble". Hmmm...I think there is definately some merit in what he said. I also think his perspective comes in part from being young, being male, and being from another country (not the USA). I think Americans are more likely to be well...let's just put it bluntly...nosey about other people's private affairs and honestly I am no exception.

However I think that there is a slight difference....that is that I am a "collector of stories" . I am interested in everything from all sorts of perspectives...so while I like to be "in the know" ...it is not with a malicious or evil intent. It is simply in an attempt to better understand people, their decisions, their actions, and the strange thing we call human nature.

So when you tell me you are from Puerto Vallarta and there are houses up in the hills that have a beautiful view of the ocean and that the sunsets are beautiful. I remember it....not because I can somehow twist it around to manipulate or use you....BUT because it is important to YOU...and if you are my friend...then it is important to me also...AND it tells me something about your heart and soul...that you are kind hearted, that you appreciate beauty, that there are things in this world that touch your soul...and that you trust me enough to share those with me...that is a "story to remember".

Some stories aren't as "beautiful" but still have meaning and merit. Some are trivial, some are sad, some are even views that I do not agree with....but in hearing them...in listening to the stories of life....my heart is open to all kinds of possibilities...and sometimes...honestly my heart is hurt in the process...but would I ignore the stories for fear of pain? I think not...for the stories are what make us human. Some are stories that most people might not be interested in. Why am I interested? That is a question I do not really know the answer to....I just am...who I am .....a "collector of stories".

I'll talk some more about stories later but work is calling and ...I need to answer!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Good Morning World

Good Morning all you readers of Ginger's Journey. Lately I have been thinking of the state of the world. I guess what with the election looming and such...it just makes me think about things like..."why can't we all just get along"...teaching Kindergarten was a whole lot easier back in the day...kids liked each other and disagreements were over minor things that were easy to remedy by saying: "I'm sorry" and sharing.

I had a recent conversation of late with someone from another country. As I was striving to better understand why they were homesick and wished to return to their native country...I decided to look up their "home town" on the internet...and I think this one phrase summed it up..."San Juan del Rio is the most famous for the kindness of its people..." WOW...I have to admit...this was an eye opener for me and caused me pause....I'd hardly describe our town that way...or for that matter many towns in the state or country. That's not to say there aren't many fabulous kind hearted people around...that's not to say that the USA is not one of the greatest countries in the world....it's just to say...that in describing the people in our country...of late...that I would NOT use the term..."kindness".

WOW...I'll say it again WOW....makes me think that while the economy is of major concern...I am more concerned about the social climate of our country...where it has become "acceptable" to yell...."Kill him," at a political rally. Oh I know there are those of you that will argue that of course it is not acceptable...but it is occurring and when you look at it...it is just one small example of what I am talking about...the mere fact that people explain it away by saying it is just a few radicals...only happens a few times...doesn't represent the American people etc....

I believe that what happens to the "least of us" is the essence of our country. When a single person is treated with disrespect, disregard for human dignity, treated as less than human, regarded with disgust etc...it is the beginning of a disease that will progress until what used to be isolated events...become common place. It is happening already. If we think of it as a disease with ...oh say five stages...I'd say we are at about Stage Three. It frightens me when sarcasm, rudeness, hatefulness, and arrogance is regarded as the norm. Don't get me wrong...this is NOT a political commentary about the candidates...I just used that as a small example...this is more important than that...it is about the exchanges that occur in everyday life and the erosion of social graces that are apparant across the country. It makes me sad...and it makes me embarrassed for our country.

But as usual I come back to the "I can't save the world...country...whatever". If I look at the broad picture it is overwhelming...I can't control/correct/fix all the "stuff" going on....BUT I can make a committment to look at kindness and acceptance in my own life...I think I do a pretty good job with it but it is easy to slip into put downs, sarcasm, etc....or to be just unaware of how our words and comments affect others. It is easy to say that other countries and locations have their own negatives...and they do....but it does not erase the fact that creating a climate of kindness is a very desirable goal. I will continue to reflect on how I can become a kinder gentler person. Maybe you will join me in this journey toward a kinder gentler world.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Boo Bash 08 Reflections

Well Boo Bash 08 is just a memory...we had a great time. Actually several people cancelled at the last minute so next year I am inviting twice as many...LOL

We had a lovely evening weather wise and the two fires were warm and toasty. We sort of had "two Boo Bashes" cause some people left around 10:30 and then some late arrivers came at 11:00. Kind of disappointed we didn't make it to 3:30....only till 3:15...LOL I will post more later and include some photos...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fall Tour of Homes

Cathymac has organized a Fall Tour of Homes for Magical Holiday Home....along with some other bloggers. Check out the fabulous fall decor. Start by visiting Haunted Hamlet and see Cathy's creative stuff...then if you check out this post Fall Tour...you will find links to the rest of the participants! I have some pics up over at Great Pumpkin Day.
Last minute additions to the tour!! Better late than never!

Journey to Boo Bash 08

Working on Boo Bash 08 has been a bit of a struggle this year. And since it is Saturday...I suppose I better kick it in gear. I think we will have a small turn out this year which is fine. The house is looking okay on the surface but there is plenty hiding here, there, and everywhere..LOL

I will devote Staurday morning to working on the back yard and then move indoors for some finishing touches. The living room FINALLY has the fall decor out and as I may have mentioned....I am keeping it rather SIMPLE this year....still all in all it looks nice. The kitchen has a few fall touches also!

For the Bash...I plan on keeping up the SIMPLE theme by dressing in black and donning a bird-like mask as my costume...LOL. I managed to move the boxes of decor to an easier location in the garage so that it will be easier to pick out what we want to use Saturday. We also bought a new fire pit. We already have one and we will use that one down in the yard itself but the new one will go on the patio so we can sit around it and also have light from the fire as we enjoy the evening. So far the weather forecast is favorable for a nice evening!

Well back to work on the laundry and the kitchen!! More later!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Bloggin the Down Lows

Have you ever wondered about all the behind the scenes stuff...the manuvering, the plotting, the planning...and all the other "stuff" that goes on in people's lives? Oh I'm not talking about people who live pretty straight forward lives...I am talking about the schemers...the back stabbers...the game players....people that think the way to accomplish what they want is to be secretive and pull strings to get things to "turn out" the way that want them to. WOW...that takes a lot of energy and makes everyone a little crazy! Truth be told...most of them aren't really fooling anybody...everyone knows exactly whats...what!

A Few Down Lows of Late


  • Job Openings: Do you really think "the plan" isn't obvious...it is...makes me a little leery but I do know the direction all of this is heading and hey...it's not about me...so have it your way!

  • Being Mad: Get over it....no one meant anything by it...so move on...if you dwell on it...that's your decision...

  • Grades: Students earn them...no one should just "give them"

  • Full Moon: It's gonna be crazy for a few days....there's a full moon tonight!

  • False Praise: Empty and/or false praise is more damanging than just keeping quiet...don't praise to "save" self esteem cause you are just gonna make it ten times worse.

  • Talking Behind My Back: Gosh I'm flattered...I must be very interesting!!

  • Chicas: Some are better than others....but no one is perfect!

  • Amigos: Some are better than others....but no one is perfect.

  • Just Ask: If you need or want something...just ask.....no games needed.

Well....enough of all that....the night is slipping by and I have things to do...so off the computer and on with life!!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Blogging from the Heart

As I mentioned earlier...when things are at hurricane level....it is easy to blog from a deeply emotional level. I know there may be real people...ummm....not that my cyberfriends aren't real....but people that know me in real life...that might be reading Ginger's Journey...and they maybe wondering WTF....or ummmm something like that....so for those of you who know me in real time, real life, real face to face relationships...never fear!

Most of the turmoil lately has to do with deeply personal and/or family issues not the day to day grind of school and work and such. Not that there haven't been things that make me doubt... minor glitches or annoyances of late...(there always is)....perhaps those I have not been able to handle as well...due to other "stuff". Perhaps they are more important because of other "stuff" and so they become entangled in everything else.

Which reminds me of a book I read one time...can't remember the title....but it is all about "stuff"...emotional stuff...issues...things we carry with us....and it is about how we all need to make sure we recognize it as just that...STUFF....not life or death, not unusual (we all have stuff....different times, different levels, different ways of handling it) ....not something that has to be solved....not really....lots of stuff has no answers...it just ....is what it is...trying to solve it...is impossible...and sometimes even trying to understand it can be likewise.

But you must find ways to manage it...take the pain, flames, hurt, sadness, confusion, complex feelings and soothe it....ease it, redirect it, erase it..refigure it....conceptualize it in a way that can be dealt with....HENCE...my blogging...for me... dealing with complex rather philosophical feelings and thoughts and situations...takes writing....there is power in putting feelings and thoughts into words...strong words....powerful images....metaphors that capture the essence as closely as anything can.... tell the story and the story becomes...just that....a story...and the emotions drain away with the words (and time)...and become just a part of the story of this journey through life....without the mystical ability to shred self into nothingness.

So just as this journey is always an adventure...so will this blog be....never know what you might read here...or perhaps discover here...because sometimes when reading other people's words...I have discovered something of myself in them...so perhaps... might you...here are Ginger's Journey...perhaps you will discover a piece of the puzzle of life here....perhaps it will lead you down a path or a detour....perhaps it will give you pause as you journey through life...make you think...or make you grow...make you cry or smile....make you wonder...make you feel a deeper level of emotion...for life is full of emotion and for those that deny it....you are missing out on so much...for even despair has an opposite...and it will come round again....life is like that....for to feel GREAT joy...and GREAT love...and GREAT satisfaction....one must also encounter...GREAT sadness....and GREAT doubt...and GREAT dissatisfaction....for to deny one...is to erase the other...One must be willing to "go there" ....to that deep place inside where the emotions are so strong they threaten to consume you...and you have to have FAITH that you will come out again to experience the "other side"....

It is late and sleep is necessary...so I will close for now...but know my cage is tarnished with each go round...and the bars are loose and push easily aside...may the cages in your life....be so also dear reader!

I've Been Tagged


I've been tagged by teachermomof2. So read the rules above and I will get to posting my 7 weird things....ummmm...which seven should I use?
1. I grew up on a haunted farm.
2. I love the ocean.
3. I enjoy fairy folklore.
4. I was borned in October
5. I have traveled to Australia
6. My favorite months are June and October.
7. Fall is my favorite season.
TAG:
Off to leave comments so you will know you have been tagged...LOL

Friday, October 10, 2008

Stepping Outside the Journey

Couple other ups and downs...things that normally would not affect my confidence or create self doubt but when you are in a whirlwind of emotionality....any little thing seems to appear to loom over you with impending doom. But tonight I shall write about something other than my crazy mixed up feelings....I will step outside the journey for a bit and wander along a side path for a short time.

So tonight I will write about the Fairies...Roses, Sangria, and Moonlite Nights...

Fairies: It's October....prime fairy flocking time...as the veil between the two worlds becomes thinner and thinner as All Saints Eve approaches....if you linger in the quiet evening dusk you just might catch a glimpse of the fairies ....dancing around the fairy ring. For some it's told that the fairies charm is so alluring that they are lost in the magic forever...no longer able to return to the real world of human existence but not fully fairy-ish either. Struggling...spending all there days searching for the fairies again....longing for just a glimpse into the other realm.

Roses: While I am not a huge flower fanatic and mixed bunches of flowers are just as alluring to me as Roses...there is just something in the air that makes me think roses...for the delicate petals of a rose are silky to the touch...the essence of the rose is one of love and nurturing....red are beautiful and deep in color...but there are many hues that are lovely....yellow, lavendar, peach. For the rose is silky, fragile and yet sturdy, transformed from bud into full bloom...

Sangria: Ok I am not a heavy Sangria drinker....but I love the fruity...heady flavors mingled together in an excellent blend of Sangria. Where the tangy sweet mixture of the fruit juices collide with the zip of wine...creating a nectar....fit for....well fit for FAIRIES!!!! Poured over crushed ice and sipped through a straw....it tantalizes the tastebuds and touches the inner soul....

Moonlite Nights: I love the full moon...I know...I know....things get a bit crazy during a full moon...but I love it just the same....maybe it's the fairy magic...maybe it's the pull of the moon on my love of the natural world...THE OCEAN...or maybe it's just the calm feeling sitting in the moonlight...sipping Sangria...lol ....The tranquility of the night lite by the moon is like a lullaby to the soul!!!

So my little journey down the side path was refreshing....drowning in deep thoughts for too long can make one just a tad ....ummm....well insane!!!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

The First Step of the Journey

Every journey begins with a first step...then the first block...the first mile..and so on...Such is also this journey that I struggle with...this balance between who I am, who others want me to be and who I strive to be. It is a journey we travel many times throughout our lives...sometimes with glorious sunny days of discovering just who we are...and sometimes with storms of discontent, self doubt, and hurt.

I have been on this path many times in my life. Difficult times often force us to travel this road. And in my life there have been many....I'm not complaining....simply stating a fact.... The death of a parent, the death of a child, the loss of a job.....Sometimes joyous events can also... but I find it much less often. There are turning points...like marriage, the birth of a child, aging, illness and others..... that evoke this desire or maybe I should say NEED to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

But when it is thrust upon you quite unexpectedly ....it is like the breath is knocked out of you for a period of time....as the minutes tick by...the burning in your chest increases until you fear that you might never breath again. ....you struggle with the loss of something greater than money or fame...it is the loss of security, confidence, trust, and in a sense the "realness" of who you are. At the very point where you must MOVE you feel paralyzed...stuck, as if to step in any direction will be a mistake...as if to take action might require a committment that you can not make...and so you just stand frozen....waiting for the next wave of darkness....hmmmm....it sort of makes me think of the Dementors in Harry Potter...where they suck the soul from you...and you are left with just a blob...not a trace of the essence of who you are....drained!

So it has taken me several days to move beyond the darkness....and to take a single step...problem is...I'm not sure what direction the single step is leading to...still pondering that one...but I suppose that movement is better than standing still. To take action is better than being paralyzed....to do something even if it is wrong...is better than doing nothing...It is just a tiny step....but it is a step....and so this is the beginning of a journey....to I know not where.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Notes From Within

If you have read the last few entries...you know that I have been struggling with the decision of whether to blog my "real" thoughts and feelings or to continue the self imposed censorship that has created part of my "writer's block" of late. And then sometimes we have chaos theory...you know when the butterfly flutters on the other side of the world and affects the weather right here...in our own backyard...and so sometimes it is FATE that forces a hand and takes the decision out of the conscious mind and into the heart....for the mind ponders and worries and censors...whereas the heart just writes...the good, the bad, and the ugly.

And so as you may have noticed from the tone of recent entries that I decided to let the heart lead...not that the censor is not still there...pondering and worrying lest you dear readers think I have lost my mind....let me assure you....I have not....but when the mind is full and the heart is too...it is easy to spill powerful emotion into the written word...to give voice to the barest and deepest of human yearning, pain, wonder, and all other manner of emotion.

As for me....I am still pondering, still lost, and still trying to discover whether the cage is really going to be enough to contain me...this go around....for when one is young and foolish...it is easy to be confined....but when one reaches my age it is more difficult...even a self imposed prison is hard to maintain. So I will blog it....searching as always for answers to questions that plague me...questions that honestly some people NEVER ask or quite frankly NEVER even know exist...they are just outside their awareness....lucky ones (perhaps)..they are the birds that do not even know they are in the cage!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Journey to the Truth

Have you ever had the unexpected moment of discovering that all you thought was true and real is just an illusion? When you finally come to the realization that none of the things you try, none of the efforts you make, and none of who you are as a person really matters. Because there is always someone, no.... not just someone.. everyone... there to pick you apart until all that is left is the bare bones of who you once thought was (if not perfect) at least acceptable.

Because when it is all said and done...you have to accept that there is no one who has your back and you are very much alone on this journey...this journey to what....the truth? Or at least everyone's truth but your own. For to know who we are takes time and effort and it is so much easier to look at who we think others are than to notice who we are. So to trust is perhaps after all a mistake...

Have you ever experienced the deepest hurt that strikes at the core of who you are, what you believe and shapes who you are free to be in the future. A hurt that paralyzes and takes your breath away. A hurt that isn't really just a single episode but a series that do not whisper but rather create a tsunami of doubt, pain, sadness, lonliness, and self doubt. As wave and wave hit....it isn't just about keeping your breath...it is about keeping the vital essence of who you are...your soul...for there are things in this world that rob the souls of the living. Things that take the core of who you are and shred it beyond recognition, that wipe out all traces of who you are as a person, and leave just the shell of a person who lives without a life force. For losing the ability to be authentic is to lose who we are.

Perhaps it matters not to "be real"....to live our lives authentically.... because obviously no one values it, appreciates it, or celebrates that individuality....instead it is the efforts of others to emphasize that which they find lacking...whether it is truly lacking or not...or whether it should matter or not...makes no difference....like vampires in the night their single quest is to drain one of energy, laughter, spirit, and leave behind emptiness....simply walking through the motions of living with no joy...for any of lifes pleasures. For one can not indulge in laughter when the heart is empty....and to be empty is the only way to move along the path of this journey. To encase the heart....no more than just the heart...the soul inside a golden cage ....like the bird that longs to fly but alas can not escape.

I once wrote an essay about how it felt to "live in the cage" of others expectations, beliefs, and my own fears and self doubts. I hope I can find a copy of it again....however it is interesting to note that.... that particular essay spoke to "why the caged bird sings"...the longing to soar and fly free like the other birds...to escape from the cage and to "be real"...it was an essay of hope and triumph and how even when given the opportunity to escape from the cage and fly it is only with great effort that one can do so...but the joy that is generated from flying free...is so great that the "escape" is worth it....ummmm...perhaps now I know the ending of the cage essay...the part where people clip your wings and place you back in the cage....how that even with the door open...the bird finds it hard to once again fly in the bright blue sunlite sky because the searing pain and the plunging fall when it ends is just not worth it. For the world is not a place devoid of vultures, hawks, guns, and slingshots....somewhere during the flight....it is inevitable.

I will live my life like the bird in the cage, safe perhaps within the golden bars, but alone...and lacking the spirit of the free flying birds..fluttering from seed to perch and back again without the desire to do much more. I wonder what it will be like to live such a life again...for I have lived it once...a lifetime ago...and I do not remember it with joy...perhaps that is why the pain is so great now.

If I find the original bird essay I will share it here with you. Until then or tomorrow...take care and may you fly free unencumbered by the cage.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Dead Uncle Songs

Okay...they aren't really dead but you know sometimes parts of your family are just beyond repair and when you get to that point in time...it just seems easier to think of them as dead. You may think we (those of us in this part of the family) are quite horrid...but really unless you have lived the story...there is no way to really know the betrayal and hurt...at some point you just no longer care and move on. So here is my dead uncle verse...sung to the tune of You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me Lucille....(sort of to the tune!)

You picked a fine time to find us dead uncle
With Mexican friends and a beer in each hand
You made some hard times
We've lived through some bad times
And now we just no longer care
You picked a fine time to find us dead uncle.

When one is out trying to have a good time...the last thing you really need is to run into a ghost from the past. But at the same time...it can prove quite enlightening. The level of energy that goes into trying to make a person recognize and respond to you (him not us) when you are so thoroughly being ignored is fasinating. And the fact that we had a language barrier in trying to explain the situation to our friends...actually made the whole saga a tad funny. AND this was actually round two...for there are two dead uncles...and two Fridays in a row...is more than just a coincident... let's just say I will NOT be surprised if there is a round three...since now they most surely know our hangout.

So there is just a kernel of the nitty gritty...introspective saga...that is my life currently...and not so currently...many will understand the scenerio...perhaps having lived similar moments or chapters in their own lives....some will find it as foreign as we used to find our Mexican friends...either way...it is worth blogging...if only for the sheer power of putting the words in print. Perhaps in the near future I will unfold the whole story onto the blog pages and explain as best as words allow...the dynamics that swirl in the air and obscure one's vision.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Blogging the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

Well as my dear daughter Kelsey so kindly pointed out...not doing too good keeping up my blog of late...here's the thing...censorship (self imposed)....LOL....most of the stuff I'd love to blog about...I can't...you know when things crowd my mind or capture my attention...or tug at my heart....trouble my mind ....or create laughter that no one else can understand except me.....I like to write about them. But of late most of those things need to be kept private....you know rants about school, feelings about life, love, and the pursuit of better friendships...stories about the down lows and the not so down lows....escapades that no one probably truly appreciates unless you are there....personal stories about dead uncles...hmmmm...now there might be a story I could blog....

So anyway...I am experiencing writers block. Partly due to...well...just writers block....trying to think of fun new things to write about. And partly due to the fact that when your mind is full and your heart is too...it's hard to just write chit chat stuff....when what you really want to write is dynamite....nitty gritty introspective stuff..... or expose' type of stuff that hits a person in the stomach and rocks the core of what people think of as their world.....things to challenge one's thinking or feelings or even life's outlook...when you want to cut right to the core of what makes us human...but also about what makes us vulnerable...when the little things seem just that..."little" and the "big" things just take a lot of energy to tackle....when you think that if you really spill it onto the page someone might send the men in the little white jackets to lock you up. That's WRITERS BLOCK at a whole new level.

So anyway...I'm still sorting things in my mind...what to blog...the good, the bad, or the ugly...or some as yet unknown combination. This journey isn't really any different than before....it's just taking on a new level of challenge....whether to "be real"....to a whole new level....or to travel the "safe route". Let's just say....it's going to be interesting...this internal struggle I have between censorship and authorship.

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