Thursday, October 9, 2008

The First Step of the Journey

Every journey begins with a first step...then the first block...the first mile..and so on...Such is also this journey that I struggle with...this balance between who I am, who others want me to be and who I strive to be. It is a journey we travel many times throughout our lives...sometimes with glorious sunny days of discovering just who we are...and sometimes with storms of discontent, self doubt, and hurt.

I have been on this path many times in my life. Difficult times often force us to travel this road. And in my life there have been many....I'm not complaining....simply stating a fact.... The death of a parent, the death of a child, the loss of a job.....Sometimes joyous events can also... but I find it much less often. There are turning points...like marriage, the birth of a child, aging, illness and others..... that evoke this desire or maybe I should say NEED to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

But when it is thrust upon you quite unexpectedly ....it is like the breath is knocked out of you for a period of time....as the minutes tick by...the burning in your chest increases until you fear that you might never breath again. ....you struggle with the loss of something greater than money or fame...it is the loss of security, confidence, trust, and in a sense the "realness" of who you are. At the very point where you must MOVE you feel paralyzed...stuck, as if to step in any direction will be a mistake...as if to take action might require a committment that you can not make...and so you just stand frozen....waiting for the next wave of darkness....hmmmm....it sort of makes me think of the Dementors in Harry Potter...where they suck the soul from you...and you are left with just a blob...not a trace of the essence of who you are....drained!

So it has taken me several days to move beyond the darkness....and to take a single step...problem is...I'm not sure what direction the single step is leading to...still pondering that one...but I suppose that movement is better than standing still. To take action is better than being paralyzed....to do something even if it is wrong...is better than doing nothing...It is just a tiny step....but it is a step....and so this is the beginning of a journey....to I know not where.

2 comments:

LisaW said...

A tentative step forward is better than no movement at all. You can do it, take it slow, be wary of making big decisions until your confidence in your strength is restored, stop and catch your breath when you need to.

We are still with you.

BeccaK said...

I pray for a smoother road on your journey.

Thinking of you.

Bec

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