Sunday, October 5, 2008

Journey to the Truth

Have you ever had the unexpected moment of discovering that all you thought was true and real is just an illusion? When you finally come to the realization that none of the things you try, none of the efforts you make, and none of who you are as a person really matters. Because there is always someone, no.... not just someone.. everyone... there to pick you apart until all that is left is the bare bones of who you once thought was (if not perfect) at least acceptable.

Because when it is all said and have to accept that there is no one who has your back and you are very much alone on this journey...this journey to what....the truth? Or at least everyone's truth but your own. For to know who we are takes time and effort and it is so much easier to look at who we think others are than to notice who we are. So to trust is perhaps after all a mistake...

Have you ever experienced the deepest hurt that strikes at the core of who you are, what you believe and shapes who you are free to be in the future. A hurt that paralyzes and takes your breath away. A hurt that isn't really just a single episode but a series that do not whisper but rather create a tsunami of doubt, pain, sadness, lonliness, and self doubt. As wave and wave isn't just about keeping your is about keeping the vital essence of who you are...your soul...for there are things in this world that rob the souls of the living. Things that take the core of who you are and shred it beyond recognition, that wipe out all traces of who you are as a person, and leave just the shell of a person who lives without a life force. For losing the ability to be authentic is to lose who we are.

Perhaps it matters not to "be real" live our lives authentically.... because obviously no one values it, appreciates it, or celebrates that individuality....instead it is the efforts of others to emphasize that which they find lacking...whether it is truly lacking or not...or whether it should matter or not...makes no vampires in the night their single quest is to drain one of energy, laughter, spirit, and leave behind emptiness....simply walking through the motions of living with no joy...for any of lifes pleasures. For one can not indulge in laughter when the heart is empty....and to be empty is the only way to move along the path of this journey. To encase the more than just the heart...the soul inside a golden cage the bird that longs to fly but alas can not escape.

I once wrote an essay about how it felt to "live in the cage" of others expectations, beliefs, and my own fears and self doubts. I hope I can find a copy of it again....however it is interesting to note that.... that particular essay spoke to "why the caged bird sings"...the longing to soar and fly free like the other escape from the cage and to "be real" was an essay of hope and triumph and how even when given the opportunity to escape from the cage and fly it is only with great effort that one can do so...but the joy that is generated from flying so great that the "escape" is worth it....ummmm...perhaps now I know the ending of the cage essay...the part where people clip your wings and place you back in the that even with the door open...the bird finds it hard to once again fly in the bright blue sunlite sky because the searing pain and the plunging fall when it ends is just not worth it. For the world is not a place devoid of vultures, hawks, guns, and slingshots....somewhere during the is inevitable.

I will live my life like the bird in the cage, safe perhaps within the golden bars, but alone...and lacking the spirit of the free flying birds..fluttering from seed to perch and back again without the desire to do much more. I wonder what it will be like to live such a life again...for I have lived it once...a lifetime ago...and I do not remember it with joy...perhaps that is why the pain is so great now.

If I find the original bird essay I will share it here with you. Until then or tomorrow...take care and may you fly free unencumbered by the cage.


LisaW said...

You need a big (((hug))).

Yes. I have had such moments in my life. It is hard to remember, while you are in the midst of them, that they are just that. Moments.

It's hard to remember, when your belief of who you are and where you are headed, is challenged to the very core of your being.

It is hard to tell if your moments are the same, but they seem so. I will share, that when I have come out of the other end and looked back, I have found some very interesting things to note.

Betrayal. Someone has taken the very gift of my presence in their life to turn on me in some fashion. They have used that precious gift of knowledge of my soul to push at tender spots, and blow holes in my very being - shaking me to the core, leaving me exposed, and emptying me of everything except self doubt.

When you reach the other side of that, you realize that it is not you, it is them, and whatever demons drive them. You did not bring this upon yourself.

Self-imposed Guilt. Things have happened to those I love and feel responsible for, and I have been plagued with self doubt and self loathing.

What did I do, or not do, to bring this about? What part did i play in this? And, why can't I fix it?

It shakes the very core of who you believe you are. But, again, you will come out the other side. You will realize that you never could have been anything other than the truth of who you are, anymore than they could, and you did not bring this upon them.

Growth. We never stop growing. There are phases of growth throughout our lives. Many of them are painful - the "growing pains" that we have nursed our children through.

It is important to pause for these moments of reflection and self discovery. Because who we are is constantly evolving, and we must take the time to acknowledge, accept, and forge the change.

Perhaps it is time to correct the course of our journey. To take a new, and possibly frightening, road.

It is very much like taking a wrong turn and becoming lost. Being on a road that is strange and possibly dangerous. And, being so full of doubt that we are afraid to try another.

But the truth is, we do not like the road we are on, and only we have the power to change course.

Perhaps will will choose a fork that immediately takes us to a better place - that will instantly relax us and fill us with joy.

Perhaps we choose another wrong turn, and find ourselves on a bumpier, scarier ride.

Perhaps we simply pause, take a deep breath, and continue our course - confidence in who we are restored. And, hidden just around the bend, the road widens and smooths, and the brambles give way to fields that make our soul sing.

The point is that we must follow our heart. Pause to rest and reflect, and then begin moving forward again.

Or, in the story of your bird - find that the wing is not clipped, only injured. Rest and nurse it back to health. Until then, you must trust your friends to gently lift you from the cage and set you on a branch where you can see the beautiful vistas - until you can once again soar and take them in yourself.

Trust me. Whatever the source, you will come out the other side. You will come out stronger, albeit scarred. But you will come out, your confidence in yourself restored - and with an acceptance that you cannot control others, only your response to them.


Ginger said...

Such beautiful words...thank you my friend!

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