Have you ever had the unexpected moment of discovering that all you thought was true and real is just an illusion? When you finally come to the realization that none of the things you try, none of the efforts you make, and none of who you are as a person really matters. Because there is always someone, no.... not just someone.. everyone... there to pick you apart until all that is left is the bare bones of who you once thought was (if not perfect) at least acceptable.
Because when it is all said and done...you have to accept that there is no one who has your back and you are very much alone on this journey...this journey to what....the truth? Or at least everyone's truth but your own. For to know who we are takes time and effort and it is so much easier to look at who we think others are than to notice who we are. So to trust is perhaps after all a mistake...
Have you ever experienced the deepest hurt that strikes at the core of who you are, what you believe and shapes who you are free to be in the future. A hurt that paralyzes and takes your breath away. A hurt that isn't really just a single episode but a series that do not whisper but rather create a tsunami of doubt, pain, sadness, lonliness, and self doubt. As wave and wave hit....it isn't just about keeping your breath...it is about keeping the vital essence of who you are...your soul...for there are things in this world that rob the souls of the living. Things that take the core of who you are and shred it beyond recognition, that wipe out all traces of who you are as a person, and leave just the shell of a person who lives without a life force. For losing the ability to be authentic is to lose who we are.
Perhaps it matters not to "be real"....to live our lives authentically.... because obviously no one values it, appreciates it, or celebrates that individuality....instead it is the efforts of others to emphasize that which they find lacking...whether it is truly lacking or not...or whether it should matter or not...makes no difference....like vampires in the night their single quest is to drain one of energy, laughter, spirit, and leave behind emptiness....simply walking through the motions of living with no joy...for any of lifes pleasures. For one can not indulge in laughter when the heart is empty....and to be empty is the only way to move along the path of this journey. To encase the heart....no more than just the heart...the soul inside a golden cage ....like the bird that longs to fly but alas can not escape.
I once wrote an essay about how it felt to "live in the cage" of others expectations, beliefs, and my own fears and self doubts. I hope I can find a copy of it again....however it is interesting to note that.... that particular essay spoke to "why the caged bird sings"...the longing to soar and fly free like the other birds...to escape from the cage and to "be real"...it was an essay of hope and triumph and how even when given the opportunity to escape from the cage and fly it is only with great effort that one can do so...but the joy that is generated from flying free...is so great that the "escape" is worth it....ummmm...perhaps now I know the ending of the cage essay...the part where people clip your wings and place you back in the cage....how that even with the door open...the bird finds it hard to once again fly in the bright blue sunlite sky because the searing pain and the plunging fall when it ends is just not worth it. For the world is not a place devoid of vultures, hawks, guns, and slingshots....somewhere during the flight....it is inevitable.
I will live my life like the bird in the cage, safe perhaps within the golden bars, but alone...and lacking the spirit of the free flying birds..fluttering from seed to perch and back again without the desire to do much more. I wonder what it will be like to live such a life again...for I have lived it once...a lifetime ago...and I do not remember it with joy...perhaps that is why the pain is so great now.
If I find the original bird essay I will share it here with you. Until then or tomorrow...take care and may you fly free unencumbered by the cage.
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